What Hurts The Most Is Walking Away When All I Want To Do Is Stay
I know you think I walked away on a whim, that I gave up on us. But I didn’t. It took me a long, long time and a broken heart to do this. And no, I didn’t give up, I just couldn’t fight for us alone anymore. I was at the end of my tether. I wanted to stay, with all of my soul I wanted us to work, but you left me no other choice than to leave.
I left after our last fight, and it wasn’t even the biggest fight we ever had—it was just one too many. It was that final straw that made me realize that nothing was going to change, not ever. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, we just didn’t function. Maybe the problem was that I was the only one trying.
Our fights were part of our daily routine. I know that fights should be good for a relationship, that they should empower it, but that assumes both sides are listening, finding a compromise or agreeing to disagree. We had nothing like that, all we did was scream and shout some things that can’t be unsaid. Words can hurt so much. Some of them are still echoing in my head.
After we would make up, everything would be good again. You would try and do your best for about two or three days and then go back to your old ways. You would ignore me completely for days. We were living together and at times I really felt like we were strangers. You never had any desire to talk, let alone do anything. You would be caught up on something on your phone or your laptop and everything was more important than me.
Maybe I wouldn’t have seen a difference if we hadn’t had such good communication at first. We used to spend a lot of time together. We used to be best friends. We used to confide in each other, make plans, dream about our future together. Where did all that go? Why did we fight every time we talked now?
I thought I was the problem. You know I always do that, I re-examine myself thoroughly to see if I screwed something up, if I wronged you in any way. But I couldn’t see anything. I think I had realistic expectations; I didn’t want us to go back to the start, I wanted us to go forward, to progress, to work on us and make a future together.
But you seemed uninterested. I asked you what I should change and I told you what I would like for you to do differently and in a few days we were back to the start again. All our promises went down the drain because I was the only one trying to work on us, to improve myself, to better our relationship and you didn’t even lift a finger.
To top all that, there were days when you wouldn’t come home. I couldn’t handle those sleepless nights not knowing where you were, crying in our bed, alone. Wondering if you still loved me at all. Thinking about if there might be somebody else in your life. Wondering if something had happened to you. Couldn’t you see how much pain your behavior caused me?
You would return the next day like nothing happened. You wouldn’t even bother to give me an explanation or you would come up with some lame excuse. Then we would be in the same rut of fighting without any purpose. You would say you loved me, that you would change, you would be a better man, but it never lasted long.
That’s why I walked away. I should’ve probably done it sooner but I had no strength. I always hoped that maybe next time things would be different. Maybe next time we would make it work. Maybe next time you would stand behind your words. But you never did, and the truth is you never would. It hurts like hell to walk away from you. It’s the hardest thing I ever did. It’s the last thing I wanted to do but you left me no choice. I still love you with all my heart and my soul but you taught me that love alone isn’t enough. There was no point in me staying any longer because you forgot how to love me. Love demands understanding, forgiveness, respect, honesty, effort, and the presence of two people but you weren’t there.