To The Person Who Loves Me Next: Please Forgive Me For Being A Little Bit Broken
I promise you, it’s not a big deal being a little bit broken. After a while, you get used to it. You’re a bit down sometimes and sometimes you have bad memories of what happened to you coming in waves and absolutely flood your head, but you learn to cope with it eventually.
Those floods came a bit more often before, but now I’ve reduced it as much as I can. I’m no longer broken, I’m just a little bit broken now.
This is who I am, so please, save us time and don’t try to fix me. Don’t try to erase my past because I’m the only one who can do that. I erased as much pain as I could. I decreased the projecting of my insecurities on others as much as I was able to. But I’ll always be a little bit broken.
My broken ass was once very brave. I’m not sure if I was brave or insane, but you get the point. I was fearless in everything I did and I never loved with half of my heart. I always gave the best of me, to my family, to my friends, to people I loved. I went all in and I gambled big with my heart. And when you gamble big, you have to be prepared to lose big as well. That’s what happened to me. I gave my heart and in return, I got it broken. It’s fine, not too big of a deal.
What I’m trying to say is that I chose to be brave again and I chose to love you, too. I’m saying that I’ll always fight my past when it tries to stand between us. But you’ll have to be patient with me.
See, when I got broken, I begged to be someone different. I cried and desperately wanted to not be who I was. I just wanted the pain to go away. But if you have ever been as broken as I was, you’d know that things don’t really work that way. You can’t make the pain go away. You can just allow yourself to feel it, but forbid it to consume you.
Eventually, my brokenness turned me into the person I am today. I learned a lot from it once I was able to mute the pain and focus on learning and eventually it all made sense.
The most beautiful lesson I learned after I got broken is that you can actually love even if you’re broken. In fact, you love more intensely and beautifully than another person who has never been broken. You hold onto love so tightly and you feel everything with a thrill three times bigger.
At first, I didn’t know how to put my heart back together and I had no idea if I was ever going to be able to love again. And then someone told me that I can’t let the bad things that happened to me define me or define my future. That someone also said that I have much more power over my future than my past. And I decided to embrace this.
I learned how to patch my heart back together, and although you can still see the cracks, I’m ready for the new chapter of my life.
Because of the cracks that remain, because I’m still a little bit broken, loving me won’t be perfect. Loving me will be challenging and full of ups and downs and sometimes you might even ask yourself if what I’m putting you through is worth it. But if you stick around long enough, if you decide to disregard my imperfections, I promise you, we’ll have the journey of our lives.
If you forgive me for being a little broken, if you take me for who I am, I promise to try harder to be a little less broken each day. And I promise to never purposely do anything to break you either. Because I know how much it hurts and I know that some people never fully recover. I could never carry the burden of having broken someone’s heart on my shoulders. It would crush me.
So, if you choose to love me, the broken me, I promise to love you back with my heart full of cracks and with each crack loving you more than I love you whole.